A Woman’s Trust Is Not Something You Earn Once
This is a piece written by Bas Waijers Baumann that I wanted to share because it speaks to something I see constantly in my work with men and couples.
The idea that trust is something to be earned once and then kept - rather than something that is felt, moment to moment, in the body.
Emotional safety is not built through words or promises alone. It’s built through presence. Through how a woman feels with you, right now.
Read it and let me know in the comments how it lands 👇🏾
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Brother, whether you believe she has a reason to distrust you or not is beside the point. A woman’s trust is not a debt you are owed or a prize to be won.
It is alive and fluid. It moves in the space between you, in the way you carry yourself, in the silent moments when she feels you more than she hears you.
Women are built to trust your presence, not your promises. She feels you, every second of every moment. And in that feeling, she is always telling you one of two things:
𝙄 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙡 𝙨𝙖𝙛𝙚 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙣𝙤𝙬…
or
𝙄 𝙙𝙤𝙣’𝙩 𝙛𝙚𝙚𝙡 𝙨𝙖𝙛𝙚 𝙬𝙞𝙩𝙝 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙣𝙤𝙬...
It does not matter what you did yesterday or even an hour ago. If you are not safe for her in this moment, she will not trust you.
Safety is not about being nice. It is not about being polite. It is about being rooted, secure, and fully present. If she does not feel that, she cannot soften, cannot unfold into you.
She may try. She may want to. But if she forces herself open while feeling unsafe, she betrays herself. And that betrayal distances her from you.
She longs to give herself to you, body, energy, heart, and soul. Yet her body and spirit will not allow it unless she feels your loving solidity.
If you dull yourself, dim your fire, and suppress your desires to appease or pacify her, you will not make her feel safer.
You will do the opposite. She will sense the absence of your devoted strength, and instinctively, she will harden, stepping into the masculine role you have abandoned. She will protect herself. And in that armor, she will feel alone.
She loves you so hard, brother.
It truly and utterly hurts her if she feels she can’t open up to you. Her heart dies to love and trust you, but her womb does not allow it unless you feel safe again.
When you are absent from yourself, you are absent from her. She will know, consciously or not, that something in you is unresolved.
And then her fear will take root. The shadows you refuse to face become the shadows she must protect herself from…
… the dark shadows within you that can hurt both of you as long as you ignore to own it.
She will also subconsciously “know” that she has to protect herself from something else: as you reject your desires and feelings (both the dark AND the light ones), you will reject her desires and feelings, too. And she will know this.
Many women test men, because they have learned through their own lives, through the silent grief carried in their bloodlines, that to trust blindly is a risk.
They have inherited the inner knowing that a man’s words can be sweet, his touch tender, yet he remains dangerous if he has not confronted himself.
Women carry the echoes of their mothers, their grandmothers, and the stories of betrayal, abandonment, and unsafety.
A woman’s test is an ancestral whisper asking, "𝘈𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘥 𝘮𝘦? 𝘈𝘳𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘺 𝘦𝘯𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩 𝘵𝘰 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘦𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘺 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘵?"
The only way forward is through, brother. Face yourself. Reclaim your strength, your desires, your darkness.
Do not exile parts of yourself in shame. Integrate and own them.
Only then will she be able to fully exhale, knowing that in your presence, she is home.
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This is something I explore deeply in my work - helping people understand how safety, presence, and emotional connection are actually felt in the body, not just understood conceptually.
If this speaks to you, you’re welcome to explore working with me.
